Here is the Screenplay for The Tragedy of Dani’s Goldfish.
(The Tragedy of Dani’s Goldfish)
[Dani is looking at her goldfish named Bernard]
Dani: Well Bernard! You can swim and breathe through water and be all gold. It’s because you’re a goldfish.
[Katy walks in]
Katy: Hey Dani! Supper is just about ready.
Dani: Okay Mom! I just want to see Bernard do his usual swimming.
Katy: You still love you’re goldfish do you?
Dani: Of course I do! I had this fish for about a year now. He is still in good shape.
Katy: Why do you say that? Does he really have muscle mass.
[Andrew walks in]
Andrew: Hey mom! Why was there a donut in my underwear drawer?
[Andrew showing his mom the donut]
Katy: Oh! I was eating donuts and doing your laundry at the same time. When I had donut in my mouth if fell in you’re underwear and I just accidentally left it there.
Andrew: That’s not really healthy for a donut.
Katy: I’ll take that!
[Andrew gives the donut to his mom]
Andrew: Dani! Are you still playing around with that fooled up goldfish?
Dani: His name is Bernard! Besides he’s a cute goldfish!
Andrew: You just sounded like Heidi all of the sudden!
Andrew: I’ll get it!
[Andrew walks out]
Katy: I think Benjamin is a cute fish!
Dani: It’s Bernard!
Katy: That’s what I said!
[Andrew walks in and Answers the door]
Andrew: Hey! Did you know I found a donut in my underwear just now?
Heidi: Um, how did that happen?
Andrew: My mom did that!
Heidi: Ah! Can I come in!
Andrew: Sure Heidi come on in!
[Andrew closes the door]
[Heidi runs into the door and falls]
[Andrew opens the door and sees Heidi on the ground]
Andrew: Sorry Heidi! I just thought I try an opposite way!
[Heidi stands up]
Heidi: That sounds funny! You know I can’t walk inside your house when the door is shut.
Andrew: It’s an opposite!
'[Heidi walks in]
Heidi: Can I do an opposite?
Heidi: Um, hey Andrew you look nice in that dress!
Andrew: I’m not wearing a dress!
Heidi: It’s an opposite Andrew!
Andrew: Um Heidi, that’s not an opposite! That’s just a boy in girl clothing reference!
Heidi: Then I can’t think of anything!
Andrew: Alright! We are just getting ready for dinner Heidi, we are having spaghetti.
Heidi: That’s good! My grandma was making liver and onions at my house!
Heidi: I don’t like liver and onions! Tasted it one and it made me vomit.
Andrew: Well we got some good and decent food! Good…tasty…food!
Heidi: That sounds beautiful and delicious.
Andrew: You know Heidi!
Heidi: Then why did it looked like you were going to tell me something?
Andrew: I just thought I say something unique!
Heidi: That was another opposite!
Andrew: No it wasn’t!
Andrew: Yeah! That’s just a saying!
Heidi: I have 5 yo yos!
[Andrew & Heidi Theme Song]
[Andrew, Heidi, Dan, and Katy are eating dinner]
[Michael walks in]
Katy: Michael! Where have you been? It’s almost 7 o’clock!
Michael: I had to work late! Apparently I had to fill in for a guy who accidentally peed his pants! Twice!
Andrew: He must’ve been drinking too much soda!
Michael: No! I think he just has a silly bladder!
[Michael sits down]
Heidi: I think it’s really possible that a tomato and an apple are like cousins.
Heidi: I just thought of it!
Dani: Hey Mom! Daddy! I’m going to be over at my friend Miranda’s house to watch a movie! Can you two watch my goldfish for me?
Katy: Dani we would! But you’re father and I gotta be at my friend’s wedding tomorrow.
Michael: Why you and me?
Katy: Michael! My friend really wants me and you to be at this wedding tomorrow and we are not going to disappoint them!
Michael: Okay I’ll go! I just hope I can watch the Celtics game when we get home!
Heidi: What’s a Celtic?
Andrew: Heidi! I think my dad is referring to the Boston Celtics! It’s a basketball team!
Heidi: Sports dudes!
Dani: Well I guess this means Andrew has to watch my fish then!
Andrew: I got plans tomorrow!
Dani: Are you sure? What are you doing tomorrow?
Dani: I knew it!
Andrew: She got me!
Dani: Andrew! You are going to watch my goldfish Bernard while I’m gonna be at my friends house!
Andrew: And why mom and dad are at a cheeky wedding!
Heidi: Andrew, I love weddings!
Andrew: Good for you! That’s why you are going to be with me tomorrow!
Heidi: But I wanna watch Rocco’s Modern Life tomorrow!
Andrew: That cartoon! You know they show reruns now!
Heidi: How did that happen?
Andrew: I guess they just canceled it!
Andrew: Okay Dani! I watch you’re stupid goldfish tomorrow.
Dani: Thank you Andrew! Now come with me!
Andrew: But I’m still eating! I haven’t even got the meatballs in my good mouth!
Dani: Come on Andrew!
[Andrew and Dani leaves]
Heidi: I wanna see that fish! So I will now go with them!
Michael: You made meatballs?
Katy: Yeah! Do you have problem with that?
Andrew: Okay Dani! Tell me what I gotta do!
Dani: Well take a look at my goldfish first!
[Andrew and Heidi looks directly at the goldfish]
Heidi: Awe! He looks cute!
Andrew: And stupid!
Dani: His name is Bernard! Not stupid!
Andrew: I was just wondering if Stupid can be his nickname!
Heidi: Dani has a flower shaped pillow on her bed! I have decided to touch it!
[Heidi walks over to Dani’s bed and picks up the flower shaped pillow]
Andrew: What do I need to do Dani?
Dani: You just gotta check on him and feed him!
Andrew: That’s it!
Andrew: That is just way too, and is final word that I’m gonna use is, “Easy!”
Heidi: This is a really nice pillow!
Dani: Put it back Heidi!
[Heidi puts the pillow back on the bed]
Andrew: Heidi is gonna be with me tomorrow so I got two things tomorrow! Be with Heidi and take care of Bernard! Which is a very Chizzed goldfish!
Heidi: I touched a pillow!
Dani: Okay! Just don’t mess it up tomorrow!
Andrew: I won’t!
Dani: Thank you Andrew! Now lets have a hug!
Heidi: Ooh I love that!
Andrew: Oh dang it!
[Andrew, Heidi and Dani are hugging each other]
[Andrew is laying on the couch]
[Dani walks in]
Dani: Okay Andrew! I’m leaving now!
Andrew: Yeah! Okay! Sure! Whatever!
Dani: And take care of my goldfish!
Andrew: Yeah! Okay! Sure! Whatever!
Dani: And have a dopey day!
Andrew: Yeah! Okay! Sure! Whatever!
Dani: That’s the third time you said that!
Andrew: You got that right!
Dani: I’m just going to leave!
[Michael and Katy walks in wearing their nice clothes]
Katy: Okay Andrew! You’re father and I are going to get going!
Michael: We have are phones if you need us!
Katy: And you’re wearing shoes on my couch!
Andrew: Well you usually let me put shoes on this here couch!
Katy: I do?
Michael: Why not Katy? I do that too!
Katy: I just hope the house doesn’t take a predicament.
Michael: Lets go!
Katy: Call us if you need anything Andrew!
[Michael and Katy leaves]
Andrew: Okay! Okay and Okay! I’m just here by my self!
[Andrew walks over and answers the door]
Andrew: Right on time!
[Heidi walks in]
Heidi: So now what? We got this house to ourselves!
Andrew: Well we got a lot of jumping to do!
[Heidi jumps up and down a few times]
Andrew: Stop it! I meant have some fun and check on Bernard!
Heidi: But you said we got some jumping to do.
Andrew: Not really!
[Andrew and Heidi walks behind the couch]
Andrew: We gotta check on Bernard and have fun here.
Heidi: I love those ideas!
[Andrew and Heidi kisses]
[They move a little and Heidi accidentally falls over the on couch]
Andrew: You’re clumsy!
Heidi: Oh clumsy days!
[Michael is driving and Katy is sitting in the passenger seat]
Katy: Are you sure you know where you’re going?
Michael: Yeah! The freeway is always easy!
Katy: Well you’re driving too slow!
Michael: I’m driving the speed limit!
Katy: Well step on it! We must get to the wedding!
[Michael and Katy suddenly sees a traffic jam]
Michael: Uh oh!
Katy: What kind of uh oh? Why did you uh oh?
Michael: I think we just got in a traffic jam!
[Camera views at the traffic jam on the street]
Katy: And you decided to take the freeway!
Michael: You know I can’t turn around!
Katy: Oh chiz!
Michael: What is chiz?
Katy: I’m guessing it’s a Canadian sausage!
Michael: Honey! It think we might stuck! In the traffic jam!
Katy: Uh oh!
[Andrew’s House – 2 hours later]
[Andrew and Heidi are looking at the gold fish]
Andrew: Look at that goldfish! All it does is swim!
Heidi: Just like the other fish in Finding Nemo!
Andrew: Yeah! If this is called a goldfish, why does it look orange?
Heidi: It’s must be the breed of the fish. Just like in dogs!
Andrew: I think it’s about time to feed the fish now!
[Heidi leaves the room]
Andrew: Heidi, where are you..oh!
[Andrew is now looking for the fish food]
Andrew: Were does Dani keep that fish food?
[Andrew is still looking for the fish food]
[Heidi walks in with a box of left over pizza]
Heidi: Okay Bernard! I got you a nice pizza!
[Heidi grabs a slice of pizza and drops it in the fishbowl]
[Andrew finds the fish food]
Andrew: Found it! [Finds the pizza in the fish bowl] Heidi! Why is there a pizza in the fish bow?
Heidi: You said we needed to feed the fish! Apparently it’s not eating the pizza!
Andrew: Heidi! Fish eat fish food not people food.
[Andrew pulls the pizza out of the fishbowl]
Andrew: Watch this! You feed the fish with the fish food like this.
[Andrew shakes the fish food in the bowl four times]
Heidi: I think you gave him way too much food!
Andrew: Nonsense! The fish is eating very will right now.
Heidi: He looks like a cute fish!
Andrew: Come on! Lets go do something else!
[Andrew grabs all the pizza and the pizza slice]
[Andrew and Heidi leaves the room]
[Michael and Katy are sitting in the car in traffic]
Michael: Oh come on! What is taking so long?
Katy: This is ridiculous! We are already late for the wedding!
[Michael honks the car horn]
Michael: Can we move it?
Katy: Michael, don’t honk the horn!
Michael: What’s going to happen? Everybody else is doing it!
Katy: Well that guy in front of us just got out of his car.
Michael: What kind of guy?
Katy: [Pointing] That guy!
[Michael sees a scary looking guy outside]
[Michael rolls down his window down]
Michael: Hi there!
Scary Guy: Are you the guy who just honked you’re car horn at me?
[Scary guy pulls on Michael’s jacket]
Scary Guy: Don’t honk you’re horn at me again, if you do, I will hurt you really bad.
Michael: Message received!
[The scary guy lets go of Michael and goes back to his car]
[Michael closes his window]
Michael: I just had to honk that horn!
Katy: Yeah! You really did!
[Andrew and Heidi are sitting on the couch]
Heidi: Why are we just sitting here?
Andrew: We are just having a wonderful time!
Heidi: I have a pink heart on my sweater.
Heidi: Should we check on Dani’s gold fish now?
Andrew: Yeah! I think we should!
[Andrew and Heidi goes up stairs]
[Bernard the Goldfish is now laying dead on his back]
[Andrew and Heidi walks in]
[Andrew and Heidi looks at the fish]
Heidi: Hey, that fish is all upside down. He must be exercising!
Andrew: I don’t think it’s exercising! It’s not even moving!
Heidi: That’s weird! I saw this cartoon one time, this gold fish was upside down and he was like that because it was dead.
Andrew: Heidi, what’s that got to do with…
[Andrew makes a weird gasping noise]
Andrew: Oh no! It’s upside down! Not moving! It’s dead!
Heidi: It looks like Bernard died!
Andrew: Heidi! I murdered a goldfish! I murdered a goldfish! Guess what I did Heidi?
Heidi: You murdered a goldfish!
Andrew: Yes I did!
Andrew: This is awful! Dani’s goldfish! It’s dead!
Heidi: This cute fish is in a better place in the sky now!
Andrew: I wondered how this happen! All I did was feed him!
Heidi: You gave him way too much food!
Andrew: I just figured out something! I spilled the fish food in there four times, and it was suppose to be two times. I did give him way too much food!
Heidi: Andrew! It’s a good thing that the fish didn’t suffer on that pizza!
Andrew: If Dani sees this, she is going to flip out!
Heidi: What are we going to do?
Andrew: Okay! Dani is not gonna see this dead fish! You and I are gonna find another gold fish that looks like this one, and the we are going to take that fish and bring it here put it in this bowl before Dani gets home!
Andrew: You stay here! I’m going to get a plastic bag!
[Andrew runs out of the bedroom]
Heidi: Oh Bernard! I’m so sorry! It’s a good thing you are in fishy heaven right now!
[Andrew runs back in with a plastic bag]
[Andrew grabs the gold fish from the fishbowl and puts it in a plastic bag]
Andrew: Lets go!
[Andrew runs out of the bedroom]
Heidi: That poor cute goldfish!
Andrew: [Shouting] Heidi come on!
Heidi: Very cute!
[Heidi runs out of the bedroom]
[Michael and Katy are still in the traffic jam]
Katy: You know I really want to see this wedding.
Michael: I can tell the wedding is already over. All because of this stupid traffic jam!
Katy: We’ve been stuck here for three hours!
Michael: I know! I just wanna get out of here!
[Katy rolls down her window]
Katy: [Shouting] Hey! Lets move it! People gotta go to places here.
Michael: Honey! I don’t think you should…
Katy: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! That guy three cars away from me just gave me a funny look on his face! [Unbuckles her seatbelt and gets out of the car]
Michael: Um Honey!
Katy: [Shouting] HEY! YOU! DON’T GIVE ME THAT FACE! THAT’S RIGHT I’M YELLING AT YOU!
Michael: Uh honey! Get back in the car now!
Katy: That’s right you can come over if you want!
[A guy comes in and approaches Katy]
Guy: Hey, just what is your problem lady?
Katy: I have a problem? You’re the one with the problem!
Guy: Pfft! You and that stupid dress and high heels of yours.
[Katy and the guy argues]
Michael: [Yelling] Honey! Back in the car please!
[Guy walks away]
Katy: Neeeeeheheheheh! Heh!
[Katy gets back in the car and buckles her seatbelt]
Katy: That guy just put me up to no good!
[Andrew and Heidi are walking forward]
Andrew: I really hope Dani doesn’t find out of about this!
Heidi: It’s a beautiful day out here!
Andrew: Yeah! It is!
[Andrew’s phone rings]
[Andrew answers his phone]
Dani: Hey big brother! It’s me!
Andrew: Dani! What is it?
Dani: Is my fish Bernard okay?
Andrew: Yes! He is absolutely fine! He’s swimming right now!
Dani: Good! Just to let you know, I’m going to be home in 20 minutes!
Andrew: Haaah! 20 minutes!
Dani: That’s right! Is there a problem?
Andrew: No! That reaction I did was just a reflex!
Dani: Okay! Bye!
Andrew: Bye Dani!
[Andrew hangs up]
Heidi: How come I didn’t get a chance say high to Dani on the phone?
Andrew: Because, I was afraid you were going to screw it up!
Heidi: You must be hilarious!
Andrew: I wasn’t joking!
Heidi: My laughing was just a reflex.
Andrew: Heidi! Dani said she will be home in 20 minutes! So we really need to replace the fish fast. Come on!
Heidi: You mean we gotta sprint!
Andrew: Yes! We are sprinting!
[Andrew sprints out]
Heidi: Uh oh!
[Heidi sprints out]
[Andrew and Heidi runs in]
[They approach the front counter]
Employee: Wow! Very fast teenagers! A complete No! No!
Andrew: We had to sprint!
Heidi: Really fast!
Heidi: Uh oh!
[Heidi goes over to the trash can and vomits]
Andrew: Anyway! We need a male goldfish that looks just like this.
[Andrew shows the employee the dead gold fish]
Employee: What happened to that one?
Andrew: It’s dead!
Employee: Alright! I’ll go get the goldfish!
[Employee walks out]
[Heidi approaches Andrew]
Andrew: I hope you had a nice puke Heidi!
Heidi: Don’t worry! That has happened to me before!
[Employee walks in with a new goldfish with water in a plastic bag]
Employee: That will be two dollars!
[Andrew pulls out the wallet and pays the employee]
Employee: Your glasses look nerdy!
Andrew: No they don’t! [Puts his wallet back in his pocket] They are "not" similar to Matt Bennett’s glasses!
Heidi: Doesn’t he look like Andy Samberg?
Employee: I love Andy Samberg!
Andrew: Lets just get out of here.
[Andrew grabs the new fish and the old fish]
[Andrew and Heidi runs out]
Employee: Talk about Saturday Night Live!
[Andrew and Heidi runs in and then they run up stairs]
[Andrew and Heidi runs in]
[Andrew puts the new goldfish in the fishbowl]
Andrew: Okay! The new fish is in there. It pretty much looks like the real thing!
Heidi: What are you going to do with the dead fish?
Andrew: I already know what to do!
[Andrew walks out with the dead goldfish]
[Heidi is just standing there]
[Toilet flushing sounds]
Heidi: That sounded like a mini-funeral!
[Andrew runs back in]
Andrew: Okay! To the living room!
[Andrew and Heidi runs out of the bedroom]
[Andrew and Heidi runs in and approaches the couch]
[Andrew and Heidi jumps on the couch]
[Dani walks in]
Dani: Andrew! Heidi!
Andrew: Hi Dani!
Heidi: You look sweet!
Dani: Is Bernard okay?
Heidi: Yes! He is swimming his happy tail in his fishbowl.
Dani: Good! I’ll go see how he is doing!
[Dani walks out]
Andrew: That was close!
Heidi: I wish we don’t have to sprint again!
Andrew: You were puking at the pet store.
Dani: [Screaming] ANDREW! HEIDI!
Andrew: Something tells me she flipped out anyways!
[Dani walks in with her fishbowl]
Dani: What happened two my goldfish?
Andrew: He’s in the fishbowl! He is swimming his good tail right now!
Heidi: He’s adorable!
Dani: This is not Bernard!
Andrew: Yes it is! It looks like the real thing.
Heidi: It looks like Bernard to me!
Dani: No! [Puts her fishbowl on the coffee table] Bernard moves his tail like this.
[Dani slowly moves her hips left and right]
Dani: Not like this!
[Dani moves her hips really fast]
Dani: So what happened to my other fish?
Andrew: Well Dani! Your old fish…how can I put this!
Heidi: Andrew put way too many fish food in the bowl, so Andrew killed your fish.
Dani: What did “she” just say?
Andrew: I killed your goldfish! I put way too many fish food in the bowl! So Heidi and me went to the Pet Store and got you that fish! I just didn’t want you too find out!
Dani: What did you do with the other fish?
Heidi: Andrew flushed him down the toilet!
Andrew: Thank you Heidi!
Heidi: You’re welcome!
[Andrew looks at Heidi]
Dani: Well that is just great!
Andrew: But we did get you a new gold fish!
Heidi: Plus I put a pizza in the fishbowl earlier!
[Dani finds a small piece of sausage in the fishbowl and pulls it out]
Dani: Oh! A piece of sausage! That proves it!
Dani: Well you two! I guess I can go ahead and keep this new goldfish and name it Bernard! Now I got a nice present for you two!
Andrew and Heidi: What’s that?
Dani: Come with me!
[They all walk to the kitchen]
[Andrew, Heidi and Dani walks in]
[Dani grabs a bag of flour and opens it]
Heidi: I think this must be a revenge prank!
Andrew: Just what are you planning on doing with that flour?
Dani: My revenge!
[Dani throws flour on Andrew and Heidi]
Dani: You both just got floured!
Heidi: Wow! We really had that coming Andrew!
Andrew: Yeah! We sure did! We sure did!
[End Credits Scene]
[Michael’s Car – Nighttime]
[Michael and Katy are still stuck in traffic]
Katy: Well we missed the wedding and we missed the reception
Michael: I missed the Celtics game all because of this stupid traffic jam.
Katy: We’ve been stuck in this spot in this for hours.
Michael: Don’t worry as soon as this traffic jam ends, we'll go home!
Katy: Want to play 20 questions while we are here?
Michael: Yes! I'll go first! Is this guy really handsome?
Michael: Is he an Actor?
Michael: The answer is George Clooney isn’t it?
Michael: I figured!